Getting Hoovered Isn't As Fun As It Sounds...

A glimpse at the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse and other fun stuff

The thing about narcissistic abuse is that it’s highly disorienting and foggy while you’re in the relationship. Patrick and I constantly refer to the period of time under his mom’s influence as being “underwater’.

But, once I started looking for answers and reading about my situation (if y’all could only see some of my Google searches: Why is my MIL saying xyz?), I learned that there was a pattern in the behavior. So much so, that it almost seemed as if she were going by a playbook. I began to anticipate when she’d reach out and at what level of toxicity.

One of the most eye-opening pieces of information was the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse:

We start the ball rolling with Love Bombing. So much attention. So much affection. You feel like this person and y’all’s relationship is almost too good to be true. There are grand gestures, an absolute pouring of praise, gifts, you name it. “You’re the only person that understands me.” “If I didn’t have you, I don’t know how I’d survive.” You’re placed on this shiny pedestal, and you feel loved. Maybe slightly overwhelmed… but loved.

I know what you’re thinking. “But Itzel, that’s just new relationship energy. It’s puppy love.” And I’d agree. That’s what I took it to mean all of the times I’ve fallen into the stickiness (hot). The problem is, the majority of this is all performative. It’s manipulation. But since you and I don’t operate that way, we don’t always recognize that it’s not genuine.

Nuance is key here. There’s nothing wrong with sweeping someone off their feet, sharing with them all of the ways you think they’re beautiful, or giving them gifts. These are actually examples of some love languages.

A good way to know the difference is to note how they respond to the boundaries you place. If you tell them that something is making you uncomfortable, do they stop? Do they argue? Do they gaslight you? Will they not take “no” for an answer? Someone who truly cares about how you feel will put an honest effort into making sure you feel safe and comfortable. Not to say that they will one hundred percent get it right immediately, but you know, you can see them trying and correcting themselves.

Devaluation. This is the anxiety inducing part (at least for me) where the person in question starts to lose interest in you or begins to withdraw affection. There are many reasons for this. People with narcissistic tendencies are fueled by narcissistic supply. All this means is that they constantly need their egos boosted and fed. It’s as if their water bucket has a hole at the bottom, and they need others to continue depositing water.

With that in mind, if we assert boundaries in this kind of relationship, if we ask for honesty or reciprocity, if we stand up for ourselves when something upsets us, the illusion of who we are to them is shattered. We become tarnished, in a sense, and they don’t see us as the person they thought we were. We are not watering that bucket properly.

It’s a defense mechanism. Not that it makes it okay, of course. I struggle with forgiving people and allowing problematic behavior to continue because I understand where it’s coming from. I’m learning how to understand and remain firm that some behaviors can’t be tolerated. Devaluation is an attempt to shield themselves from vulnerability. Not having that supply is a threat.

You might notice that they might be more critical of you. Condescending. They might become passive aggressive, stonewall (refusing to communicate, walking away in the middle of a conversation, or giving you the silent treatment), or withdraw affection. They might make a Facebook post about you and a disagreement y’all had ten years ago, equating it to their childhood abuse (a little foreshadowing happening here).

It’s as if the rug has been pulled out from under you. It’s such an abrupt shift from the person who was supposedly your best friend or soulmate. Weren’t y’all in love? So very deeply close? You feel confused and broken hearted. You’re left crying, in bed, scrolling through all of your recent conversations, trying to find exactly where you did wrong so you can make it make sense.

And we rooo

ooo

ooll down the hill to Discard. It’s exactly what it sounds like. Maybe you find out they’ve got new supply. Maybe they ghost you. Maybe they do something so horrible that they force your hand into ending things. The warm person from the beginning is now cold and emotionally distant.

So, you’re sitting at the bottom of the hill. Probably in some mud or the mess from one of those manure trucks like they had in Aladdin. It sucks. You’re sad. You look back up the hill and like a beautiful white knight, your person peeks out over the edge and sees you.

Hoovering. “What in the gosh darn heck are you doing down there?” they ask. It’s funny, you were wondering the same thing. This isn’t y’all. This isn’t the relationship you were so secure in just weeks, months, however long ago. They kneel down next to you, wipe the brown sludge from your face, and they apologize. Things will be different this time. Look, they brought you a wagon and they’ll pull you back up, where you belong. With them. Thankful that everything makes sense again, you climb back into the wagon, heart flying.

It may look like them messaging that they miss you out of the blue. It might be them reaching out during important dates because they know you’re more likely to answer their call. Promising that they love you. Sending you Christmas gifts that they know your kids will love to warm your heart. At this point, they usually know you well enough to know how to stick a foot into the closing door so they can push their way back in. Except, more often than not, we open the door the rest of the way for them. And if they succeed in that, the cycle repeats with our good friend, Love Bombing.